Hopefully, all of you had a good holiday. I was off for three days, worked Sunday and Monday, and have spent the last two days catching up on Hulu during the day and tearing through Smallville Season 9 with Shelly at night.
So much of my life is and has been dedicated to escapism. I love novels, comic books, film, television, video games-virtually anything that allows me to not think about my life for a while. I had a rough year or two, but my life hasn't been all that rough, overall.
I did well enough in school, had both parents during my formative years, enjoyed several long-term (but ultimately doomed) relationships, graduated college, and even worked in an aspect of my preferred field off and on for seven years.
For no reason whatsoever, I was on the edge of having a full-fledged panic attack all afternoon. I was watching British sketch comedy, so I don't know what might have triggered the feeling, but it was unmistakable.
I work a minimum of fifty hours a week, with a variable schedule. I don't have time to think about the details of my life while I'm there. Instead, I wait until I'm off work to worry about it.
A lot of people are fortunate in that they've never had a panic attack. These same people are typically always assholes if you try to explain living with an anxiety disorder to them. They've never had the pleasure of worrying so much that they wonder if they're having a heart attack, then have to worry about that on top of whatever made them anxious in the first place.
I spent nearly 5 years taking medication to help my anxiety, but various people told me that it turned me into an emotionless asshole. A nurse I once dated referred to it as a "blunted affect." One day, I decided to not refill a prescription, and in that instance, I was rewarded with the best laugh I'd had in years. The lows hit lower, but the highs hit so much higher.
Recently, I've been a downward trend, a slump or rut, if you will. I've got a lot of things for which I should be thankful, I have a hard time keeping my spirits high. I truly felt I'd hit rock bottom last year (end of a long relationship, a return to my parents' home, the loss of my job) but this year's main success (getting engaged to a good woman) is basically the only good news I've gotten all year.
I feel like the human equivalent of livestock right now.
